A Voyage Through the Storm of New Motherhood

Photo credit: Karen Kelly

A Voyage Through the Storm of New Motherhood

I was a new mom with an 8 month old baby. I was sitting alone on a park bench while my daughter slept in her stroller beside me. I caught myself choking back tears as I begged the universe to just let me hit pause and take a second to catch up on all of life that had unfolded in front of my eyes in the last few months.

I was racing for the shores of a new world I didn’t quite understand.  Captain of a dinghy lost at sea during a category 5 Hurricane. The seas were rocky, the storm intense. I felt like I would be swallowed up by the next powerful wave. I had always wanted to become a mother. I knew I was a great mom, but I desperately just needed a chance to breathe, to pause, and to see the beautiful world that I had created. I needed to survive until the eye of the storm.

I learned an incredibly powerful lesson that day in the park. I could never be the mom I dreamed of becoming if I didn’t find ways to breathe through my own growing pains. I needed to work harder to find time for myself. To allow myself to grow into my new magnificent role as mother. To give myself grace. To nourish my mind and replenish the depleted cells in my worn down body.  To be loving and grateful for the time I had with my daughter.

The truth is, I was exhausted. Running on fumes, rarely sleeping more than 4 hours stretches of time. Our dream plans for our family where being overshadowed by the demands of intense work schedules, distance from family support, and lack of dependable childcare.

As a new mama and a small business owner, I had dreamed of finding this magical balance of working part time, while having a part-time nanny to help so that I could work on my business, go to the gym, get groceries, clean the house, and make healthy meals a few days a week. I had no idea how hard it would be to find dependable help for just a few hours a day, a couple days a week.

I also had no clue how unrealistic it was to think that I could do all the things.

Clouded in a fog that I now know was a combo of being the sole source of food for my daughter and an extreme lack of sleep, I found myself in a near inescapable vortex of doubt. Every decision I made had a consequence that I felt would be too hard to justify changing the current pattern.  Sleeping when the baby slept was always the worst option for me because inevitably every time I fell into a deep sleep, the baby would wake -- leaving me feeling worse off than I was before. Instead of sleeping, I purchased and read every parenting book on the planet and spent unintentional hours googling for answers of when things would get better.

Everything I read told me that my baby was growing and to wait to make changes, because this too shall pass. So long as I stayed firm and consistent with our book approved routines, things would be better in no time.

The truth is, things didn’t get better until I took control of me. Not one single book I read mentioned just how important it was for the mother to take care of herself. It wasn’t until I found Mother.ly, an online publication of stories and resources to encourage tired mamas like myself, that I started to see that I wasn’t as alone as I felt in my voyage through the storm of new motherhood. I started becoming more vocal to others about about the toll that the journey had on my mind and body.

It began registering in my brain when I heard my friends and loved ones encourage me to get more support. I found my village. I sought professional help through an incredible therapist who specialized in supporting women and mothers in transition.  I invested time and money into caring for myself and finding care that would help my baby grow more independent as well. The energy I put towards finding time to pause, breathe and process my new world is now finally paying off.  

As a two year motherhood veteran, I am in awe of my strength and proud of myself for pushing through the storm. I now know that every day I will continue to grow. New challenges will arise and storms will pass through. I have learned to trust my intuition and try very hard to not stress out when new patterns emerge that make me feel uncomfortable.

For it is through times of uncertainty and discomfort that the most growth occurs.

I am also so very thankful that I took the time to document nearly every day of my voyage through photographs and journal entries using an app called Tinybeans. The original plan was to use Tinybeans as a means of sharing updates about our daughter with family from afar. What it has turned into for me is a periscope into a whole world that I can barely remember. The images and stories now are weaved together to create a picture of purpose and growth. I encourage other mamas to try do something tangible to process all of your growth, whether it be journaling, taking photographs, or simply sending an email to yourself or child. Just pause long enough to document. You’ll be amazed at how far you come when you have a chance to reflect.

To all the new and veteran mama’s reading this today. You’ve got this. You always have. When in doubt, go take a walk and breathe in the fresh air. You will weather this storm. If you’re not a mama, you probably know someone who is. I’d love it if you shared this message with them. We all need a village.

xoxo-
Kiera